WTF, LOVE.
Today I want to talk about love, like real deep, soul touching and mind-blowing love. Like the stuff you see in movies and ever wonder if it can be real. When we done here, I want all those moments deep red, hot headed, crazy butterflies and craving desire to pop into your mind leaving you blushed cheeks dwelling in memories of past love, grateful of present love and excited about future love.
I am for real and no this is not me being all emotional talking about LOVE, this is me at 12pm sitting at an American style diner drinking Kombucha (it’s totally a thing here) eating the biggest omelet I have ever seen in my life. Kid you not.
For days I have been busy typing about the different cities I have traveled through and how I could come up with city typical outfits and take pictures of that for social media - like beanies and buttoned up shirt for Portland and having loud phone conversations with headphones for San Fran (if you ever go, YOU HAVE TO take headphones otherwise you are not part of it), which is really only funny when you have been there and I guess my humor is generally questionable at the best of times but hey I laughed thinking about taking those pics.
So I decided I want to go real Irene style, deep and meaningful, something I have fairly regularly been rolled eyed upon.
Traveling made me extremely aware of love, in different ways.
Especially traveling by yourself and hanging out with mostly yourself its normal to start checking your surroundings including all the people. Side Note: After traveling for weeks, I had reached the point of wanting to be around people. My friends are probably all like WTF Irene what is happening to you. They think I am not into humans, but that is not true, I am very much so - but I am into a special kind of human and they are just a little rarer to find.
However, sitting at public places watching people, eves dropping on conversations or even staying at friends places it made me absorb a whole lot of new impressions and one of them was the overall topic love.
How do we love?
What the fuck is love?
Why do we love?
Do we need love?
Cool just google the answers to that, because I am not here to give you answers but I am here to trigger thoughts and today I want your heart to feel and your mind to listen, shall we?
We all different, what we see as love and there are a gazillion books and others to tell you about different ways, styles, needs of love and how you make your partner happy etc.
But I want to know from you, because I have asked myself that exact same question - Can I love?
To find the answer for that we have to dig a little deeper. That’s your own homework and all I want to do here is give you an idea how I discovered my ability to love.
I remember my very first relationship and I actually hope he reads this, because he was without a question the one, I just wanted to say I love you, no doubts, questions or fear in my mind.
There is that first love and you know what it is so innocently beautiful and feels so different to anything else that’s to come? It is because we, yes first of all don't know better, but secondly, because we aren't scared to get hurt, we don't fear to disappoint, we don't think there is something better out there. None of that, it is pure and real.
Quick add on here, our very first love we experience is with our parents, your mum to be specific. She teaches us what love is, not consciously and with a black board, but by her actions, words, behavior - that relationship is absolutely crucial for further relationships. Feeling loved and cared for as a baby is what allows us to feel safe and with safety comes trust, responsibility and a few other important values.
Same applies, if your parents had a bit of wobbly relationship and you experienced that as a kid, at times not feeling safe, it might (in some cases) have an effect on how you love. Worth looking into that, I did and it changed my thinking and way how I am going into relationships.
Alright so my first relationship status was pure love. One where if you could go back you would, there wasn't any baggage, my goodness how amazing.
We didn't get married, we made it to about a year I think and then our ways parted, to be reconciled in an amazing friendship years later - I love that man, he is so wonderful and I am glad to have him in my life as one of my best friends.
On another note, I am not sure if there is always an after-love-relationship possible, my experiences cant proof either point. All I do know, we never know whats to come.
While my first love was pure, my second one was a tad more crazy, I was completely OTT in love and after 6 years of what I would describe today as a stormy relationship.
Love often felt heavy, it felt like it is letting me down, I felt lost and helpless too often and it made me feel so scared and alone that I was terrified to love anymore.
Why is that? It is because loving means losing control and the more of a control freak you are the more this is a terrifying thought. I tried to control and prepare myself for all bad scenarios that could maybe happen, and it destroyed many good moments.
I am a firm believer that your partner needs to know this, they need to know about your fears and insecurities, in order to work side by side rather than against you.
It took me forever to figure that out, and while this seems like a life long all relationship challenge for me- I feel blessed to know.
You see where I am going with this?
When we love with 15 its all easy peasy. Growing up there is a lot of stuff happening that makes us stop loving ourselves at times or completely and like all those quotes always say - you have to love yourself before you can love anybody else. It is true and that will never change.
Loving yourself does not mean you need to take mirror selfies daily, it means that you care for your inner self, the way you talk to yourself, think of and encourage yourself.
The way a mother speaks, loves and cares for her baby that’s the way we need to love ourselves. You are your own safety net, you are the one who is there when you sad crying, the one who catches yourself when you fall, the one who is proud of achievements and gives yourself the high five for succeeding. It’s you.